So, I’ve not written in a long time and I think it’s high time I did. I’ve always heard it’s better not to keep things bottled up inside. Everyone needs an outlet so I’ll thank you all right now because you’re mine.
I have been listening to podcasts, reading blogs, reading books, checking facebook posts, and receiving emails about how to heal myself, or should I say try. What’s wrong with me, you might ask. About a year ago, my doctor changed his practice and decided to charge $2400 to join his practice. Needless to say I didn’t join. No doctor for me for a year now. That means no Thyroid meds, no High Blood pressure meds, no nothing. I have felt really tired, my joints have ached but I haven’t felt like I needed to have a doctor. So I guess I’ve saved a ton of money. I called one Dr’s office but not accepting new patients. Another office wants a $75 non-refundable fee to even make an appt. How in the world would they code that? I have heard of one supposedly a good one, on the island, so I will try to make appt on Monday. I do want to get my labs done and see where I am on the Thyroid front. The other thing I am struggling with is my weight. Can’t seem to get it under control. I have cut down on gluten, and that has helped a little. The things that help my co-workers to lost weight don’t help me. One has stopped drinking soda, lost 15 pounds. Another did a cleanse for a week, eating certain things one day and others the next, lost 12 pounds. I have been eating real food, don’t drink sodas, salads with protein for lunch, even tried the low carb way of eating, and stayed the same. I am almost at the point of giving up and resigning to the fact that I am too big to wear the clothes I have.
So, this week while at work, listening to podcast, (sorry I don’t recall the name or number) I learned a couple of things about myself. I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER!! I never thought I truly did. I mean, yes, I do crave crappy food, I thought we all did and that it was ok. But now I really think I have a problem or more. The beginning of healing is admitting you have a problem, right?
First off, I am a closet eater. I don’t want to hear judgement or even think someone is looking and judging on what I am eating. I don’t even like telling people about what I eat. I realise that is kind of hypocritical, right. I love to see, hear, read about what others eat. I owned a cafe for 11 years and was entranced in how people combined foods and thought that maybe would make a good book on how different ways of eating food originated. I, personally try to make good decisions on eating, most of the time, but I am addicted to chips. I will wait until my hubs goes downstairs or to sleep and eat the whole dang bag. I know he knows that I eat them, I just don’t want him to watch. It is my pleasure. My time alone, making myself happy. Wow, sounds like masturbation, doesn’t it? Anyhoo, that was 2 revelations right there. Closet eater and addiction.
I am also a binge eater. I can go for long periods of time without eating a certain food (chips) then BAM!! something goes wrong in my life, or I am sad or lonely, or over tired or mad, whatever, and I will eat every bag of chips I can my hands on. Why can’t I binge on good for me food?
What is the answer to these problems? Maybe being transparent in what I eat could start me not feeling bad about what I eat. Maybe showing what I eat will help someone else who also is having problems. Maybe not denying myself chips for long times, will help with my bingeing. I do love sweet potatoe chips. I can start making my own and they would be so much better than the crappy ones available in stores.
It’s a start and I am hopeful.